A certain je ne sais quoi
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Six months ago, I was contemplating between universities.
The one in town had my heart: I remember heading there for an interview to get into their social sciences course, and loving the atmosphere and the vibe, not to mention the potential of a vibrant school life on par with my poly days. The interviewers I met played a crucial role in me practically sealing the deal on the spot. They were everything I imagined of university professors: articulate and well-read, but at their core, a teacher in all sense of the word, having your best interests at heart. I remember thinking, this is what I want from my university.
The one closer to my home, and also the one that was about $12k cheaper in total, had a wider variety of courses, better exemptions for poly kids and was more renowned, had my head swirling with logic and rational about why I should pick this, pick this, dammit pick this one instead. But my heart wasn’t in it, far as I could tell. Everything I had heard about the school’s culture turned me off: disgustingly negative competition surged through the veins of every student, all intent on climbing to the top of the corporate ladder, and winning the rat race (oblivious to the fact that winning it means you’re still a rat) was crucial to their livelihood, it seemed. I wrote off the school and everything it stood for. Except it wasn’t so easy to ignore the obvious advantages I would be passing up.
They wanted me. They sent me my acceptance package before the applications were even closed. The third best university in Asia wants me. My calibre, capabilities, whatever. (Or lack of it.) I was pleasantly surprised, even if acceptance did come on April Fools’…. Now that was a bit iffy but it amused me.
They also did amazeballs PR, tugging at my innate desire for freedom. I relished the notion that you could be doing both sociology and philosophy in one sem, with a dabble of literature here and there, as you saw fit. Structure was a no-no for me, so this rare concept of getting to choose all the modules I wanted to do left me feeling like a kid in a candy store. How can logic like that not sway even the most steadfast heart?
I reasoned that culture wouldn’t matter eventually if I could just do what I wanted. Learning everything and anything was always of paramount importance to me. The pursuit for knowledge will always hold a certain soft spot in my heart. I was given the opportunity, now please for God’s sakes, just take it.
So I did. For the first time in my life, I listened to my head.
I spent the next few months (even after school started) questioning the sanity of my decision. Some days were hard; when people around you lack passion for the things they study, you begin to wonder whether you will collapse from fatigue before you breathe in the magic that seeps through the cracks in the otherwise suffocating blanket of madness. Some days, harder; when you see friends you have come to like revealing their true competitive spirit, it’s easy to slip into disillusion.
And then, I found my people. It’s too early to tell whether we’d be sitting at a cafe and sipping the proverbial cup of coffee in five years or whether we’d even talk next year, but these people are the very reason I managed to finally slip into the routine of university. They make the bone-breaking absolutely bearable. In the spirit of old school autograph books, here’s a lil’ dedication to my tiny doses of magic.
J, for being my first friend and for being one I can let loose my inner scathing bitch around and not be judged. I foresee a bitching sesh in order once results are out.
JL, for making General Bio that much more enjoyable and for being one of the rare few I know would truly understand if I confided in you about superficiality and judging/being judged.
P, for being the coolest RJ dude I know, for the occasional thought-provoking lunches and for always keeping it real. We have the same reasons for doing things (passion and nothing else), and for that I am glad. I wish with all my heart that you don’t ever lose that spark.
R, for the unexpectedly solid friendship. Thank you for agreeing to work with this nutcase of a woman. Highly doubt we’d have any other similar modules, but it doesn’t matter. The best blessing is gaining a good friend from an acquaintance.
HY, for being a great group mate as well as a companion for days when I’m not in the mood for anything but sitting silently and studying. I can’t put my finger on what makes you special, but you.. are.
V, for being you. I love every part of who you are and who you’re not, and how you’re never ashamed to be any of it. I often forget you’re two years younger when we talk deep issues, like those of decadence and our tendencies to be flighty. This one is a friend I know I don’t have to meet often to become emotionally close to.
G and SM, for showing me it’s possible to click upon first impression and that if you put yourself out there and search hard enough, you find your kind of people right under your nose in the mess of dissimilarity.
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It’s easier to give in to excuses and give up the fight for a better tomorrow, than to continue on a path strewn with unknown variables at every turn without knowing if your next step could be your last. But I try. We all do; each breath we take a tribute to the spirit of la dolce vita. The world is flawed and we are but broken souls on our journey to discover the missing pieces. Listen not to the naysayers nor the doubts that you tell yourself at 2am. Instead, learn to recognise the sound your heart makes and the change in rhythm it takes when it urges you listen to what it says.
You start saving the world by saving yourself.
