Rumination

(The first time I heard this word, it was in my Graphic Communication lecture in poly. Now every time I use it, I think of my lecturer who asked us to ‘just google me’ when giving a self-introduction.)

We discussed the Singapore political scene today in sociology tutorial. I found myself speaking up a lot more than usual, and being extremely critical of the government and their schemes to integrate love, peace, harmony, and other seemingly surface values that could boost our nation’s social value.

The cynicism was a tad overpowering so I stopped myself after awhile. I am able to do this ‘stepping back and viewing oneself objectively’ thing in the middle of my sentences, although I am still undecided whether it is entirely beneficial. And I couldn’t help noticing how jaded I have become — and how that weariness has left a smear on the important parts of my life. Relationships, mostly. Relationships with the core people in my life, specifically. I find that I often toe the line between being jaded and being cynical. The former kind of carries with it a tone of resignation, and I admit I have often succumbed to self-fulling prophecies of ‘oh but nothing will change anyway, so why bother?’ or ‘this is the way it’s meant to be, so I’ll just learn to accept it’. It is a habit that I am slowly learning to change, but like all habits, the ones ingrained in you from First Love are hard to break.

I might have harboured negative feelings toward the module in the beginning, seeing as how I planned to major in it as the result of process of elimination, but I have begun to be fond of the idea that by analysing society and people, I am in turn forced to engage in self-reflection. Anything that asks you to search your soul and question the existence and implications of otherwise personal tendencies can only be enriching in the long term. This is probably why as much as I dread coming to school some days, my inherent love for the arts and social sciences drags me out of bed and shoves me out the door.