Re: I have nothing more to say
Hey there.
What does it mean to miss someone? Is it the longing and the wishing for things to be like they were before? Or is it the simple lack of a familiar presence in your life? Someone once told me you never fully give a shit about missing someone until you pick up the phone and tell them. I haven’t done any such thing and neither do I plan to, so perhaps I don’t miss you all that much. Can it be that I don’t genuinely miss you? People so often mistake the yearning for a particular time, thing or feeling for the yearning for a person. I am guilty, too.
I am not going to pick apart our friendship to see if there are any parts worth salvaging. Partly because I know there aren’t, partly because it wouldn’t make a difference even if we found genuinely good and honest parts, and partly because you left too long ago for me to believe you still care. It is a pity that we had to come to this, two complete strangers who never say a word to each other anymore even though we once laughed over the silliest things, but I have come to accept that we would have drifted apart sooner or later, or held on out of mere obligation. For what it’s worth though, you were always there for me (or so I believed), and for that I thank you.
It was always a little stilted and awkward between us. You knew, and I knew that you knew. So perhaps this is my cue to go, leave behind the disintegration and debris, walk away, keep on walking. Perhaps now I can heave a collective sigh of relief, knowing we tried, we failed, and that it’s okay. One day, we might bump into each other on the streets but we will walk by without exchanging a word. It will prick and sting, but it will not be enough to pick up where we left off.
Friendship is a tricky, ticking time bomb to deactivate. There are fewer guidebooks to teach you how to cope with the dissipating bond between friends than there are to tell you how to handle the loss of a lover, as if having someone share your bed was significantly more important than having someone share your mind and soul. On some level, losing a friend is more complicated than losing a lover. There are only a finite number of ways you can take on a lover, but friendship is a maze that needs time to navigate, an island that constantly requires the building of new boundaries and bridges. All that work makes it that much harder to leave behind when it boils down to it.
A few minutes ago, I read a Thought Catalog article here, titled “Losing A Best Friend”, and realised that even though you were never one of the best, the confusion of losing a friend is universal. But, so is the act of getting your shit together and moving on.
I told myself once, “never burn a bridge you’re still standing on.” I wasn’t ready to accept that I stepped off awhile ago, but now that I have, it’s time I lit the match.
Goodbye and good luck.
